When I Forget How It Began, But Remember How It Ends

 When I Forget How It Began, But Remember How It Ends
By: Carmen Cooper

Stop it.
Just stop.
I am so tired of nonsense.
All the lies.
How you might be unsure,
How you can't seem to remember,
Like how you blame me,
Like that time when,
Let it go.
Stop it.
Remember when..
There was no problems,
How things got better for awhile,
How darkness was taking over,
How the endorphins eased and slid down from the brain,
To the toes,
To our noses,
Our fingers,
Our hands,
Stomachs,
Hearts.
This has longed on so long that I forgot.
I am forgetting.
I am bitter and sore.
My muscles will not move, the bruises, and scars on my arms.
I try to stretch every morning, but I am exhausted. 
I have this thing that makes me happy when I think of it.
Of him.
Of fun.
Of friends.
Hugs and kisses.
The holidays that I miss.
These things that make my face hurt because I can't stop laughing, smiling and
Breathing.
But you make me wanna stop breathing.
I hide the all.
I lock it in a box and sometimes it opens all by itself.
The hinges are falling apart that's why I think it all escapes.
That's why I think I can't be happy, I have to pretend even when you aren't here.
Even when I am at my happiness.
Sometimes I lie down and drown myself.
Tissues, ice-cream, chocolate
I mean you know that stuff that's supposed to make you stop drowning doesn't work.
I wanna go away.
I can almost run away so fast, but my ankles get weak, give out stop me from moving.
Even though I have already left out the door.
What am I going to do?
I asked myself, I asked me,
What is there to do?
I replied to myself.
I put a butterfly on my arm.
I don't want to kill it, but I hurt it sometimes when the rubber hits it.
One day my story will end, several reasons why I can't live.
One day I won't have a happy beginning because it feels like it's ending.
One day I will drown, and not be able to save myself,
From you, the world, and my mind.